I’m just getting back in the swing of things. I had been on vacation seeing my family in South Carolina and it was absolutely gorgeous there.
I was glad I was surrounded by nature when things starting going horribly, horribly wrong…
I had a miscarriage…
In my head, I struggled on whether I would write about such a personal thing. But I had trouble finding support.
So I decided to write as healing for me and to help any other woman out there going through the same thing.
No one knows how to deal with it, yet it’s pretty common. The statistic is 1 in 5 pregnancies.
Ironically, I didn’t know of any family member who had gone through it, and they were at a loss for words.
Even though they wanted to help (and I truly know they meant well), some things just really stung.
Things You Shouldn’t Say
- Everything happens for a reason: This is cliche and is said a lot when traumatic events occur. Yes, I may understand this sometime down the line, but in the heat of the moment, it is not comforting. How can anyone have a reason for taking this innocent life?
- Miscarriages happen all the time. You can just try again: Whether you think it or not, this is a loss no matter how far along in pregnancy you were.
I was almost 12 weeks. At this point, my husband and I had really gotten attached to the idea.
It jump-started our house search, we started telling family, and I even purchased cute little clothes. Yes, I can try again, but a miscarriage is not forgotten.
When you hear to “try again” it’s almost like you don’t even acknowledge the existence of the miscarriage.
- Don’t tell me what I should be doing: I had some advice on certain supplements to take or specific foods to eat after the fact.
I know they meant well, but during the shock of it all, all you want is support, not advice.
It also makes you feel like maybe if you did that, nothing would’ve gone wrong and then you start blaming yourself. Believe me, it’s nothing you did wrong.
Sings of Miscarriage
I had the miscarriage naturally.
When I started spotting, I didn’t worry too much because I knew it was possible during pregnancy and not threatening.
After a few days, it became more than spotting and that’s when I worried.
Although some pregnant women bleed and can carry full-term, I knew that was not the case for me.
I wasn’t sure what to look for during the miscarriage, all I can say is I had lower back pain and strong period cramps.
When it passed through, I felt so much better (physically that is). I knew for sure it had happened then.
It was very hard to think it was all over that fast and I struggled with finding a way to commemorate its life. Below, are a few ideas I had and I hope it can help you too.
Ways to Remember the Life after miscarriage
- Give the baby a name. We named our June so we’d always remember.
- Light a candle.
- Buy a plant.
- Create something- anything- its the process and not the product that will see you through.
- Give your self-permission to grieve and do not apologize for crying.
- Open your heart to ‘ growing’ on and ‘letting go,’ not forgetting.
- Don’t turn away or hide from your the ‘what-ifs’
What if she had my grandmother’s eyes…
What if he could have changed the world…
We discredit our intuition about them. Taking the time to acknowledge your heart’s understanding of who they might have been very healing. You have to be gentle to yourself and allow the grieving process.
What do we do when we say goodbye? We remember. The heart doesn’t understand sudden absence. It’s confusing.
It throws us out of balance. So ‘remember’ your baby in a way that is meaningful to you.
If you’re really wanting to help someone in need, the best thing is to acknowledge what they’re going through.
Be there for that person. Let them grieve. Most of the time, I just wanted someone there for me to say how much it sucked.
What helped me after the miscarriage?
This is one statement that I will never forget and probably the only thing that was comforting.
Obviously, a miscarriage is a huge loss. You feel like you let this baby down and you feel horrible because you’ll never really get to meet this wonderful being. But, there is hope:
“When a miscarriage happens for whatever reason, its soul goes to the other side and waits for you. When you become pregnant again, it will be that same little soul. Boy or girl, same soul. It is waiting for you and is meant to be yours. It is not lost.”
That quote gave me chills and I cried good tears from this. It then didn’t feel like such a loss to me.
It gave me hope that I would meet my child someday. Going off of that statement, I had a couple of women backing that statement up.
~ One woman had a miscarriage and had 3 beautiful girls thereafter. Some years later, she visited a renowned psychic and was told the 3 children was the spirit of the miscarriage. (Good chills, right?)
~ Another friend had a son who was a handicap. She always wanted another child and tried for many years. After her son died at 10 years old, she got pregnant right away. Her intuition has always been that her second child was the soul of the first.
These stories, have really helped me get through. One recurring thought I had with this being my first was, “Will I ever be able to carry full term?”
I went out in search of success stories. These have helped me on a rough day I hope that they will help you when you feel like it can’t happen for you.